Reviews of
The Real Lives of Strong Black Women

Publishers Weekly

Near the beginning of this thoughtful, sensitive self-help book, Thompkins tells the story of how his mother, a "Strong Black Woman" and hardworking nurse, eventually found happiness after suffering a mild heart attack. "She discovered true inner peace for the first time," he writes. "Watching Mom reach this level of self-acceptance, self-caretaking, self-love and self-forgiveness was the greatest gift she could have given me." 

Now the life coach and professional speaker aims to help other Strong Black Women find that sort of peace. His approach is refreshingly nuanced: rather than lay out seven golden rules for Strong Black Women to follow, he offers probing questions, practical suggestions and dozens of first hand accounts from the women themselves and from the men whose lives they’ve influenced (sons, husbands, lovers, friends). Thus, his book functions as a starting point for deeper dialog and understanding. 

Chapters on mother-daughter relationships, dating, keeping the faith, creating a meaningful livelihood, healing from loss and reclaiming joy are arranged to cover all the permutations of self, platonic and romantic love. And Thompkins clearly has gone out of his way to include a variety of viewpoints, including those of people involved in interracial or gay or lesbian relationships. "By the sole virtues of my race and gender I was supposed to be the consummate professional, handle my life crisis, be the dependable rock for every soul who needed me, and, yes—the classic—require less from my lovers than they did from me," one woman explains. Thompkins shows women how to find a way out of that bind without losing their independence or themselves.

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Booklist

Thompkins weighs in on the pros and cons of the myth of the strong
black woman. Conceding the doubts that will be provoked by a black
man writing about a black woman's issues, Thompkins is nonetheless
quite sensitive and offers the perspective of black men in the
historic perpetuation of the myth, which he notes has created costly
emotional baggage for black women. Basing his work on interviews
with black women (and men) from a range of ages, backgrounds, and
classes, Thompkins relates the individual experiences of women
being "chronic caregivers," overly sacrificial, and neglectful of
what they need to nurture themselves and others. He examines
romantic, platonic, and self-love and offers advice on how women can
balance their own interests and those of others. He admonishes women
not to become trapped in the image of strength and lose sight of
their own personal needs. Although the focus is culturally specific
to black women, he broadens his advice to include women of all
races. 

Vanessa Bush
Copyright © American Library Association. All rights reserved
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I Am Woman 
November 5, 2004
The RAWSISTAZ Reviewers (RAWSISTAZ.com)

Toby Thompkins showcases the lives of strong black women in THE REAL
LIVES OF STRONG BLACK WOMEN: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy.
Thompkins takes us on a journey through the lives of women who are
considered strong and demonstrates how that strength, in some cases,
can be a detriment to our joy and well-being. Through interviews
with both women and men from all walks of life, we are seen as the
caregivers and nurturers of everyone from family to friends to co-
workers at the expense of our own happiness. We are so good at it we
do not realize that our destiny is at stake.

The contents include three relationships that are paramount to our
lives, the romantic love, platonic love and self-love. Thompkins
asserts that often we take care of the romantic and platonic love
and discount the self-love. In each, subjects such as the wonder
women, mother/daughter power struggle, dating with your eyes wide
open and straight and lesbian sister relationships, just to name a
few, are illustrated and provide powerful messages for change in our
behavior. Finally, Thompkins offers suggestions for breaking the
stranglehold we have on this age-old behavior in order to reclaim
joy and peacefulness for ourselves.

Thompkins writing includes historical aspects of the helping
behavior and his writing is candid as are the interviews of the
women and men; there is no sugar coating within the interviews. This
is a wonderful self-help analysis of the daily lives of strong black
women and how we can overcome an often-negative behavior to live a
full and meaningful life. 

(RAWSISTAZ Rating: 4.5 out of a possible 5)

Dawn R. Reeves
of The RAWSISTAZ Reviewers
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Instructive for anyone interested in debunking myths about who is suited to fulfill certain roles and the social hierarchy those presumptions establish.

Newsday
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Thoughtful, sensitive . . . refreshingly nuanced . . . a starting point for deeper dialogue and understanding.

Publishers Weekly
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A must read, not only for black women, but for all people concerned about the issues and struggles that black women face.

New York Amsterdam News 
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In a thought-provoking, straightforward manner, Thompkins illustrates the costs involved in measuring up to this archetypal image—one of the most powerful and enduring in American Society.

Ebony Magazine
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Amazon.com Reviews

Wonderfully Insightful, October 13, 2005

Reviewer: Rita R. Clark "Lover of the Written Word" (Asheboro, NC)

As a "Strong" black women" under 40, I found that this book brought to my attention several ideas and beliefs that are true and actual about black women and men in American society. This book should be mandatory reading for almost every person of color. I found several typographical errors in the text but the doctrine is sound and quite profound.

Praises for all strong black women, July 7, 2005

Reviewer: M. Bruner for Loose Leaves Book Review (Atlanta, GA USA)

It is a fact there are strong black women. The essence of our strength comes from our African heritage along with the trials and lessons learned crossing the Middle Passage, enduring slavery, holding the family together, and at times living life without a safety net. The myth: all black women are strong all of the time. As I begin to read, a wave of pride washed over me as I realized that finally a black man is starting to seek out the opinions from "strong black women".

Thompkin's spent over a year interviewing hundreds of women and men documenting their ideas and feelings about "strong black women". His study was driven by his desire to uplift and acknowledge black women, as they are too often misunderstood and undercelebrated. Amen to that! The chapters are structured around the different types of love - romantic, platonic and self-love. The reader is asked to reexamine their lives according to the questions from the different types of love that make up a love pie. Thompkins suggests that by shifting your reality from "wonder women" to "woman of faith, love and joy" you can cut a bigger piece of love pie.

THE REAL LIVES OF STRONG BLACK WOMEN explores several topics central to black women's lives. Thompkins organizes his findings across key areas: emotional abandonment, spirituality as a source of strength, creating a meaningful life, straight and lesbian relationships and dating. An entire chapter is devoted to the male perspective on strong black women. Attention-grabbing tips are presented for improving mother/daughter relationships, which offer simple ideas to mend the bond and erase generational curses. Each chapter has personal testimonies to illustrate healing can occur if black women start to care for themselves. Every chapter ends with an affirmation and questions to consider before reading further.

Thompkins has complied a superb resource for readers who are attempting to understand the "strong black women". The reading is interesting and easy to comprehend. The strategies, concepts, and ideas cross all gender and socioeconomic boundaries while providing simple ways to apply to your life. Thanks Toby Thompkins for reaffirming the positive aspects of "strong black women".

Real Women....Real Joy!!, March 30, 2005

Reviewer: Phyllis Rhodes (Orlando, FL USA)

Toby Thompkin's release The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy opens with a foreword, from Victoria Rowell, calling black women of the world to lean upon their courage to accept love and joy into their lives. Thompkins goes on to explain that preexisting myths of "the strong black woman" have possibly done more harm than good by creating generations of problem-solvers, self-sacrificing nurturers, and steel magnolias. These are women who often forfeit true love, peace, and happiness while caring for, working for, and/or bearing the burdens of others. The author encourages self-examination, self-love, and self-preservation by dissecting the psyche and offering candid views into the essence of self-described strong black women.

After interviewing hundreds of women and a few men, Thompkins organizes his findings and observations across key areas such as: mother-daughter relationships, dating, straight and lesbian relationships, emotional abandonment, and even a male perspective commenting on what men want from and for strong black women. He also defines the myth of the "strong black woman" and references legacies of the slave trade, racism, and classism that helped fuel the myth of the black `Wonder Woman.' He comments on how the fallacy is often and easily repeated in every generation. Each chapter includes soul-baring life experiences, lessons learned, and words of wisdom from women of all ages and socio-economic backgrounds. The chapters close with heartfelt, positive affirmations which promote spiritual healing and behavior awareness. This is a worthwhile and educational body of work that can be read in its entirety or selectively as it addresses a specific life situation.

Getting to the root of it all, February 5, 2005

Reviewer: Cheryl Cooper (St. Louis, MO)

There are so many definitions of what a strong black woman is or is not and whether it's a positive or negative attribute. I enjoyed reading Thompkins perspective on the evolution of strong black women and how they can be strong, yet also live a satisfying life for themselves. He provides a source of reflection that I believe all black women would find helpful in revitalizing their lives and strengthening the bonds of sisterhood.

Strong Black Women, December 27, 2004

Reviewer: Cottonmouth Jenkins (Arlington, TX)

The best thing about this book to me is from top to bottom, from the first to the last page, you read the material, and you find yourself knowing some of the people's stories very well, maybe even your own. For me, I saw some of my mother, a little of my ex, some of my co-workers, some from other black women I've come across in my life, and so forth. At the beginning of the book he talks about three types of love: platonic, romantic, and self-love. There's a simple way of evaluating how much of each you have in your lives, and I found myself asking that question as I read the book. The book is sort of in the mold of works by bell hooks and other writers, speakers, and such who are advocates of self-love. There are stories about the mother/daughter relationship, stories about dating, and some about what men want from Strong Black Women today. That section really caught my attention, because I was eager to see what some men had to say about sisters and so forth. This section, as well as the others, gets very in-depth, so you should be able to take a piece from every section and apply it to your life and situation. The author interviewed people in the ages from as early as their 20s to as late as their 80s and 90s, so there is a diverse collection of stories, comments and such in the book. There are many lessons which can be taken from this book, so that in itself makes it worth checking out.

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